Reflection on love, breath, and listening.
Today, with this new and uninvited somatic awareness in my body, an acute sense of life’s finite nature,
I have to ask myself: am I right with me?
Do I feel a sense of well-being and clarity within myself, whilst moving forward into the unknown?
Am I as deeply connected to my benevolent, invisible guides as I’d want to be in a crisis?
Throughout my 20-year relationship with Stephen,
we have weathered our share of rough patches, in which our differences had collided, yet. always afterwards, we enjoy a warm return to love, the reconnection, the affirmation we say aloud while nodding to each other: “We’re good you and me—we’re all good.” Our hearts take a breathe, our minds settle, and we can carry on.
Over this last day, I’ve caught myself wondering if I’m good—am I good with me?
Can I give myself that little nod of assurance?
What Stephen and I went through was challenging. The unforseen gift was the experience bringing us together in a different way.
A rich, deep, quieter presence our new backdrop, filled with warmth and love. A conscious awareness of time shared together.
Maybe it was me who slowed down, stopped talking as much, quit the busyness and started to listen.
Once he was breathing on his own after the ventilator,
I intently listened to his breathing. I encouraged his lungs to find their rhythm, to inhale fully and release.
During the first week at home, I’d wake every few hours, sitting up holding my breath, listening quietly— for his exhale– longing for the comfort from the familiar breath rising and falling.
“Just keep breathing,” I’d whisper, laying my head close to his chest, careful not to wake him. I needed to to hear his heart thump and only then could I fall sleep.
In a way, spoken words and daily business seem less necessary.
There’s something profound in the still quiet of simply sharing love, the tender holding of each other’s heart.
With Stephen improving each day, I can finally check in with myself and see what my heart needs. What do I need to be good with myself.
My focus on art as my business has settled for this season since healthcare and recovery is forefront, though as an artist at heart,
I have to create.
I’m feeling a need to get to my studio–
not to paint a masterpiece, not to be good, but to feel and
have a place to express this myriad of feelings and emotions,
that haven’t had time to complete themselves.
I have no idea what I’m going to create, but I’m listening today to my breath and my heart beat and for me to be good with me,
I need to create.
Not a work day in the studio, a play day.
A session with no direction, no end result.
The freedom to feel through anything unfelt,
with colors and I’ll be able to give myself, “that nod of assurance”, that all is good within me.
Lizzy